“train roll on”
I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but I wasn’t certain the type of mother I wanted to be. What sounded great in theory, never seemed practical.
March 6, 2014 was the day that I discovered that I was going to have to figure that out.
Since that moment, I have accomplished things that I didn’t think I could ever do. I’ve learned about the person I was, I am, and who I want to be. I have questioned myself more in the last three years as a mother than I have in my entire life.
Isabelle makes me crazy. She makes me question my sanity regularly, she pushes me past my limits, and she sometimes brings out the worst in me. But, she also loves me fiercely, unconditionally, and without resentment or judgement. She makes me want to do better. As I watch their unique bond develop, she makes me fall in love with her father more and more each day. She makes me laugh after a bad day. And she reminds me that there is wonder and beauty in the world, even on the darkest days.
A mother’s journey is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and no two are alike. While we try to band together – an army of mom friends – we are all left alone at the end of the day wondering if we did the right thing, if we were kind enough, patient enough, loving enough…or just wondering if we are enough.
I know I am not alone in this motherhood journey – and I know some days feel never ending. Sometimes there are more struggles than successes. I know what it is like to wonder if you’ll ever feel “normal” again, or if your jeans will ever fit again. I understand how it feels to just want a moment alone. And I get how it can feel defeating and motivating all in the same breath.
With all that said, I’ve realized one monumental thing during this season in my life. Being a mom is just a piece of who I am. I refuse to let motherhood define me – but I will absolutely let it shape me.